Sugar Savvy

What the…!?!

Okay, so I am starting to find a strange guilty pleasure in Dollar Tree, which I have been visiting with a dismayingly increased frequency. They started off, these visits, as a hopeful source of “inspiration,” but have developed, frankly, into something of a compulsive addiction. As in, I can’t drive by DT without pulling my car over to “check out what’s new.” I’m doing this less than once a week, but still, it may be a little obsessive for my comfort.

I possess (at least) three breeds of candy fascination. The first is based purely on the pursuit of excellence and quality. More so than most people I know, I love and appreciate really great (dark) chocolate and fine candies of many sorts. The second encompasses the realm of commercial, mainstream candy: the Mounds, the Junior Mints, the Swedish fish, the candy corn, etc. The third, however, is about the “weirdness” or novelty factor of a particular candy – not having anything to do with pleasures of the palate.

This, I think you can assume, is the category in which the Mallowburger falls. It’s just… really hilarious. As the homepage on the company’s website proclaims: “Makers of the World’s funniest candy and snacks.” Produced by Kandy Kastle Inc., it’s a burger, but it’s a marshmallow! It’s candy, but it looks like a beef patty between a sesame seed bun with cheese! That’s so cool! It’s like, “Hey, how can we get kids more interested in eating refined sugar mixed with gelatin, because they’re just not getting enough as it is? Oh, I know, let’s shape it like a giant hamburger! They’ll go crazy for it!” It’s not as though this theory hasn’t been proven in the past, either, what with the overwhelming success of the Bubble Burger and more recently, the Gummi Burger. Sugar is good. And if it looks like a mini cell phone or beef or a large, snot-filled nose (check it out if you don’t believe me), so much the better.

What does it taste like? Does it really matter? Well, I will say that for a whopping 412 calories, I could easily name 412 other things just off the top of my head that I’d rather put in my mouth. Is it horrible? Not really …well, kind of, yeah. But I think any discussion of flavor and taste is fairly moot when it comes to the Mallowburger. Nobody is buying it because they love marshmallows. For that, go hit up the half-off Easter candy table for some discounted Peeps or mallow-filled Russell Stover eggs. But if you want a laugh or two, reach for the Mallowburger. Mine has been sitting in my candy box for two weeks, and it gives me a giggle each time I see it (which, needless to say, is at LEAST daily). It’s a visual mood lifter, no ingestion necessary. My tasting partner suggested that we try the bun, burger and cheese each separately. But the different layers of the burger do not possess flavors that are in any way distinctive from one another, in case you were wondering. It all pretty much tastes like a Circus Peanut. Which, depending on who you are, is either a ringing endorsement or the equivalent of saying that it tastes like a combination of pencil erasers and a 6th-grader’s tube socks on a warm spring day. Enjoy!