Sugar Savvy

In line at the checkout at Target this weekend, my eye fell upon the latest offering from Orbit, which seems to churn out new flavors every other day. And that’s fine with me, since it keeps the time I spend in the checkout lane — a inordinately large chunk of my life it would seem – interesting and helps to distract my kids away from tabloid images of cellulite gone wild and rich girls with poor self-esteem and no self-control. (Bat Boy, where are you?)

Anyhow, turns out the latest offering from Orbit is actually 4 latest offerings, but I’ll get to the others later. For now, I’ll focus on the new Sangria Fresca, since that’s what immediately grabbed my attention. I love sangria! Fruity, festive, fortified punch! Naturally, I had to have it. (Yes folks, this time it was me. I had to have something from the checkout danger zone. Me, Mom.)

Now, I’ll admit, my first instinct was to hide this pack of gum in the bottom of my purse so my children — who devour my gum like locusts devour leafy field crops — couldn’t find it. But my better nature prevailed (plus, they saw me putting the pack into my purse and I couldn’t fake just trying to find my car keys), and in spite of myself, I offered some to my children. “What kind, Mom?” asked my daughter, as if it mattered at all. If it were liver-and-onions flavor with a liquid burst of castor oil, they’d probably still make short work of the pack. “Sangria,” I muttered.

“What’s that?” she asked. “Wine. It’s wine flavored,” I said, in a lame attempt to turn her off. “Wine? Really? Cool!” the children chorused happily. Great.

I opened the pack, took out two slightly bluish-maroonish pieces, and handed them over. The chewing began, and shortly afterward, my 14-year-old son broke out into a big grin. “Hey, Mom, if this is what wine tastes like, I can’t wait till I’m twenty-one. I don’t know why you keep saying, ‘You wouldn’t like it anyway,’ every time I ask for a sip. This is great!” Fabulous!

I put a piece in my own mouth. Orange. Not a hint of wine. Or anything else, really. This Orbit Sangria Fresca flavor tastes a lot like the Orbit Citrus Mint flavor. Which is to say, orangey. Other than the name and the suggestive burgundy-orange color scheme of the box, you wouldn’t know this was anything other than orange gum.

So, heading out to the parking lot, I was already trying to muster up a DARE-worthy lecture for damage-control purposes. And I was grateful that if my hopes for a sangria-flavored gum were dashed, at least my children’s breath didn’t smell like wine.